I am happy.
But just a mere statement doesn’t mean I truly am madly feeling bliss. Words, just like persons, are two-faced. Words tend to deceive you and you might just not know that you’re already being tricked. Words have double meanings for the pervert, the sarcastic, the knowledgeable, and all sorts of people. You’ll never know what the mouths are trying to blabber unless you’re one of the crowd.
I am happy.
I have dreamt of living far from home. I got a hold of it five months ago.. until now. This, I have asked and was given the chance to hold it so tightly. I know I wouldn’t be able to let it go. But I always got drama hiding somewhere in my shadow. There is regret.
“I shouldn’t be here.”
Though I haven’t made a move, I can’t help but question my luck, my ability, my credibility. For some, they wouldn’t mind their university expenses. They have parents with high-ranking jobs, who goes home with bursting wallets. But she’s just a simple government slave who’s waiting for her retirement. That brings me up to a thought..
“Is she spending her last days in office, trying to support me of my university expenses? What if I fail? What if after four years, I will be workless? What if I’ll be a leech asking her for money because I still can’t take care of myself?”
There is fear in my innermost soul. It has something to do with failure. I fear that I might not succeed in life. I fear that I did not make a good choice and all the flaws would be rushing in one blow. I fear a lot. I’m a dreamer, but I am coward. I fear things people rarely even think of.
Behind the fear and drama, I am still happy.
Living in my new environment is a dream come true. Not only that it’s far away from home.. But I’m surrounded by Koreans. Yes, I have been a fan of Korea, and its people. There’s something about Korea that makes me want to succeed, and if I can live there, I would be more than happy. And its people? I just love looking at them, hearing them talk.. They have this sense of fashion that even when you try to copy their wardrobe, you wouldn’t be able to pull off the style perfectly like them. I find them interesting in a way that even their flaws don’t look like one.
I may be overly fangirl-ing them like they are some sort of gods but it’s just me. I’ve also seen, read, and encountered annoying traits of Koreans, but I still adore them. Again, it’s just me.