Every Filipino living among the many islands of the Philippines dreamt, or is aiming to enter a good college when they finish high school. I, for one, is one of those Filipinos who want to enter a good college. And I didn’t mean just “good”. I wanted a famous one. It’s not that I want to mingle with the elites. It’s the feeling that I’ll come to be. Financial wise, it’s not suggestive. Future wise, it is. It is more like investing into a bank. It’ll be hard keeping up with the balance at first but later on, you’ll be overflowing with money because of the gain.

What am I trying to say here?

All I ever wanted was to be a student who’ll wear the yellow t-shirt during P.E., the student who’ll walk around the bricked floor campus, the student who’ll get to see the school’s old buildings each day, the student who’ll pose with the three humongous yellow letters, the student who will attend Paskuhan annually… But everything had drifted apart. It’ll never happen for the rest of my stay on earth. If I can only turn back time when I was born, I’ll read every book possible and enroll myself at Kumon at an early age. How smart would I be now? People might say, “You can start reading books now and you can still make changes for you future.” No. An old dog will be hard up learning new tricks. Changes are already paralyzed.

I’ll just have to accept reality. Life is but a dream.

I just lost my trust with someone. I believed in the things she said like… She’ll retire by the time I get to graduate high school. She said we’ll stay somewhere far and there, I’ll study. The gullible me, believed with her lies. I was such a fool not to think that she was using trickery with me. I didn’t know the simple cancelled “movie dates” of ours can also be done with other things.

I’m still feeling bad. How can I not feel bad if my dream is being torn apart? Besides that, I hate myself for being so slow that I don’t get to meet the expectations of my mother and even my sister. In the first place, they should have not expected anything from me. My mother entered me in a school lacking of books. The last resort of the students is the teacher’s lectures. To tell you honestly, I’m a bad listener. The sound waves enter in my right ear and seconds after, it just moves out from the left ear. At times, I can even feel my eyes literally spinning when it comes to discussion of numbers. Almost all of the senior year subjects contain Math in its syllabus. Those who can survive are the smart ones. I’m not one of them; But my mother is that AMBITIOUS to think that I am just right below the Top 10. She is not understanding – the factor that most mothers should obtain. She is not attuning to what I lack and to what I can offer. If she’s very attuning, she would understand that I am not one of the smart kids. Not reprimand me that I don’t listen in class or I don’t read my lessons ‘cause duh(?) What material will I read?

For now, my visions turned 360 degrees. I’ll be getting a course which needs just a little amount of money for the tuition fee so my mother could not say anything anymore. So, if ever I’ll have to repeat any college subject, it will still be light on her part because if I’ll take up Nursing, she’ll only pay bigger and she’ll regret the lost of her money if I don’t pursue it.

Even if everything seems to be broken already, it still is not the end. I can stand on my own. I will.

Dear _____,

“I don’t know if this is right. I don’t even know if YOU are the one reading this; But let me get it straight. Happy Birthday. It’s silly how I just want to tell you a two-word greeting but I’m making this all lengthy. It’s silly how I can manage to send you this while I can’t say it to you directly, personally. But then again, it’s your special day so, Happy Birthday and good luck for later/tomorrow. >:)<”

The message above was sent to him this morning. I was waiting for a reply but I got nothing. I checked my phone every second to see if ever he responded, but no. I waited for nothing. It was so frustrating. I was so desperate. Then I thought he just changed his number. If he changed his number, then he wasn’t able to read it but why didn’t he tell me he changed his number? It is still very clear to me that the last message I received from him was a group message which says, “good luck”. That was before the 1st periodical examination last August. I even wonder why did I greet him on his birthday while he didn’t even greet me by any means when it was my birthday.

The power of love can really make you do the impossible. It makes you move mountains.

Until now, my heart is still crying. I don’t know but he’s like a lightning which strike me yet again. He’s that hard to forget. I’m so sensitive with issues about him. When he is linked to anyone, I look like I don’t care but I’m feeling bitter to the core. The reason why I’m still hurting up to now is how his feelings towards me changed s freaking fast. His summer statement can’t be erased from my system. Yes. He told me he liked me. I was doubtful at first, but I believed it. Now that he doesn’t show anything related to what he said, I just believe he was kidding; That it didn’t mean anything. That he fooled me. I was so stupid. But with all that happened, I’m here waiting for him to knock on my door. I’m still waiting for something magical to happen between us ‘cause he’s the only person who made me feel this way.

I don’t know if this is love… But it is surely not infatuation.

“Forgetting the feelings you have for someone is one of the things that could never be easy. After a long time of loving, here you are now… Trying to forget but still loving in silence.”

Written: 10.08.10

Every Filipino living among the many islands of the Philippines dreamt, or is aiming to enter a good college when they finish high school. I, for one, is one of those Filipinos who want to enter a good college. And I didn’t mean just “good”. I wanted a famous one. It’s not that I want to mingle with the elites. It’s the feeling that I’ll come to be. Financial wise, it’s not suggestive. Future wise, it is. It is more like investing into a bank. It’ll be hard keeping up with the balance at first but later on, you’ll be overflowing with money because of the gain.

What am I trying to say here?

All I ever wanted was to be a student who’ll wear the yellow t-shirt during P.E., the student who’ll walk around the bricked floor campus, the student who’ll get to see the school’s old buildings each day, the student who’ll pose with the three humongous yellow letters, the student who will attend Paskuhan annually… But everything had drifted apart. It’ll never happen for the rest of my stay on earth. If I can only turn back time when I was born, I’ll read every book possible and enroll myself at Kumon at an early age. How smart would I be now? People might say, “You can start reading books now and you can still make changes for you future.” No. An old dog will be hard up learning new tricks. Changes are already paralyzed.

I’ll just have to accept reality. Life is but a dream.

I just lost my trust with someone. I believed in the things she said like… She’ll retire by the time I get to graduate high school. She said we’ll stay somewhere far and there, I’ll study. The gullible me, believed with her lies. I was such a fool not to think that she was using trickery with me. I didn’t know the simple cancelled “movie dates” of ours can also be done with other things.

I’m still feeling bad. How can I not feel bad if my dream is being torn apart? Besides that, I hate myself for being so slow that I don’t get to meet the expectations of my mother and even my sister. In the first place, they should have not expected anything from me. My mother entered me in a school lacking of books. The last resort of the students is the teacher’s lectures. To tell you honestly, I’m a bad listener. The sound waves enter in my right ear and seconds after, it just moves out from the left ear. At times, I can even feel my eyes literally spinning when it comes to discussion of numbers. Almost all of the senior year subjects contain Math in its syllabus. Those who can survive are the smart ones. I’m not one of them; But my mother is that AMBITIOUS to think that I am just right below the Top 10. She is not understanding – the factor that most mothers should obtain. She is not attuning to what I lack and to what I can offer. If she’s very attuning, she would understand that I am not one of the smart kids. Not reprimand me that I don’t listen in class or I don’t read my lessons ‘cause duh(?) What material will I read?

For now, my visions turned 360 degrees. I’ll be getting a course which needs just a little amount of money for the tuition fee so my mother could not say anything anymore. So, if ever I’ll have to repeat any college subject, it will still be light on her part because if I’ll take up Nursing, she’ll only pay bigger and she’ll regret the lost of her money if I don’t pursue it.

Even if everything seems to be broken already, it still is not the end. I can stand on my own. I will.

Dear _____,

“I don’t know if this is right. I don’t even know if YOU are the one reading this; But let me get it straight. Happy Birthday. It’s silly how I just want to tell you a two-word greeting but I’m making this all lengthy. It’s silly how I can manage to send you this while I can’t say it to you directly, personally. But then again, it’s your special day so, Happy Birthday and good luck for later/tomorrow. >:)<”

The message above was sent to him this morning. I was waiting for a reply but I got nothing. I checked my phone every second to see if ever he responded, but no. I waited for nothing. It was so frustrating. I was so desperate. Then I thought he just changed his number. If he changed his number, then he wasn’t able to read it but why didn’t he tell me he changed his number? It is still very clear to me that the last message I received from him was a group message which says, “good luck”. That was before the 1st periodical examination last August. I even wonder why did I greet him on his birthday while he didn’t even greet me by any means when it was my birthday.

The power of love can really make you do the impossible. It makes you move mountains.

Until now, my heart is still crying. I don’t know but he’s like a lightning which strike me yet again. He’s that hard to forget. I’m so sensitive with issues about him. When he is linked to anyone, I look like I don’t care but I’m feeling bitter to the core. The reason why I’m still hurting up to now is how his feelings towards me changed s freaking fast. His summer statement can’t be erased from my system. Yes. He told me he liked me. I was doubtful at first, but I believed it. Now that he doesn’t show anything related to what he said, I just believe he was kidding; That it didn’t mean anything. That he fooled me. I was so stupid. But with all that happened, I’m here waiting for him to knock on my door. I’m still waiting for something magical to happen between us ‘cause he’s the only person who made me feel this way.

I don’t know if this is love… But it is surely not infatuation.

“Forgetting the feelings you have for someone is one of the things that could never be easy. After a long time of loving, here you are now… Trying to forget but still loving in silence.”

Written: 10.08.10

i'm a YunJae baby. <3<3<3