I am happy.
But just a mere statement doesn’t mean I truly am madly feeling bliss. Words, just like persons, are two-faced. Words tend to deceive you and you might just not know that you’re already being tricked. Words have double meanings for the pervert, the sarcastic, the knowledgeable, and all sorts of people. You’ll never know what the mouths are trying to blabber unless you’re one of the crowd.
I am happy.
I have dreamt of living far from home. I got a hold of it five months ago.. until now. This, I have asked and was given the chance to hold it so tightly. I know I wouldn’t be able to let it go. But I always got drama hiding somewhere in my shadow. There is regret.
“I shouldn’t be here.”
Though I haven’t made a move, I can’t help but question my luck, my ability, my credibility. For some, they wouldn’t mind their university expenses. They have parents with high-ranking jobs, who goes home with bursting wallets. But she’s just a simple government slave who’s waiting for her retirement. That brings me up to a thought..
“Is she spending her last days in office, trying to support me of my university expenses? What if I fail? What if after four years, I will be workless? What if I’ll be a leech asking her for money because I still can’t take care of myself?”
There is fear in my innermost soul. It has something to do with failure. I fear that I might not succeed in life. I fear that I did not make a good choice and all the flaws would be rushing in one blow. I fear a lot. I’m a dreamer, but I am coward. I fear things people rarely even think of.
Behind the fear and drama, I am still happy.
Living in my new environment is a dream come true. Not only that it’s far away from home.. But I’m surrounded by Koreans. Yes, I have been a fan of Korea, and its people. There’s something about Korea that makes me want to succeed, and if I can live there, I would be more than happy. And its people? I just love looking at them, hearing them talk.. They have this sense of fashion that even when you try to copy their wardrobe, you wouldn’t be able to pull off the style perfectly like them. I find them interesting in a way that even their flaws don’t look like one.
I may be overly fangirl-ing them like they are some sort of gods but it’s just me. I’ve also seen, read, and encountered annoying traits of Koreans, but I still adore them. Again, it’s just me.
I address this with disappointment, guilt, and pity.
You are one great person with exceptional skills. You are someone with this pretty face and perfect body shape. You have a happy disposition every time. I doubt it if anyone from your surrounding hasn’t envied you; Because I for one envied you a lot.
Everyone liked you – from boys to aunties and uncles. You always wore new clothes, and had new gadgets. In terms of beauty, body shape, height, and even the size of one’s feet, you were always ahead of me. You liked competition, but I never did; But deep inside, before, when I realized I was already far behind, I hated you. I hated you because you made me feel as if I am one sour loser. You weren’t so proud of yourself to start with, but I was intimidated. I was jealous. I was envious. I was bitter.
But you know what, I shrugged all those thoughts off when I felt that I always had a friend when I’m with you, when I think of you. Gone were the days when we tried to pull each other’s hair off because of anger and silly childishness. We’re grown-ups now. And we should be taking the same path.. But you took a different road.
I couldn’t blame you, really. That feeling overpowered your ambitions in life and yes, it couldn’t be helped. Once you’ve been caught, you can never get out; And if it ends with one, you’ll be looking for someone again. That feeling, and maybe the thought of having the ability to make people head over heels for you, ate you. You were drunken with so much appreciation.
And now, what’s done is done. The past can never be returned. I don’t know how you will face this point in your life that young. I don’t know how will I face you one day. I feel uncomfortable with your situation now; Not because you’re a disgrace. You aren’t a disgrace . But because I wasn’t with you all the time. Maybe if we were intact, you wouldn’t look at the mirror seeing a different picture every now and then. Maybe you would grow like the boring me who doesn’t have a lot of friends, but has enough. Maybe you would be fangirling a group and we’ll be having fanclub wars. Up to now, maybe you haven’t still experienced entering a relationship.
Maybe.. If only..
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When two fangirls collide…
Everything turns out ecstatic.
Fangirls and fanboys do the typical fan account after they attend their idol’s concert, mall tour or meet and greet event. Below, I will be making an account after having an encounter not with TVXQ nor any other artist, but with a co-fangirl. Would you mind if I take you down the road to when and where we first met, virtually?
Summer of 2009, I so got hooked to Boys Over Flowers that I joined every forum possible – Lee Minho PH, Kim Hyun Joong International, BOF-PH and Boys Over Flowers Philippines. The four mentioned is what I can remember but I’m sure there’s more to that list. I joined BOF-PH first, but left it soon enough due to its inactivity. I remember posting on each thread and each of those posts were left unnoticed. That was a bit of a disappointment, so I moved to Lee Minho PH and Kim Hyun Joong International, and stayed there for a couple of months, I think? The aura of those forums were great. There were lots of people especially on the chatbox wherein people had to wait for some time just so the chatbox can recover from the message traffic. One of those nights when I was chilling on the chatbox of Lee Minho PH, someone posted a link to another forum. Being the curious cat, I went to the said forum and found out that it was still new, that they were looking for people who would want to help them manage it. This is where I and Ate Bea first met. J
The forum was new and the admins were looking for co-admins. I just had to have that position, I thought. Being a leader of a forum was a dream for me, so I took the chance and applied for it. Luckily, I got accepted. Maybe they needed immediate helpers so they took me, but oh well.. At least I experienced it. I started working that very day. Ate Bea was the one whom I first talked to on the forum. She was so friendly that that very night, I found out that her mom was an Ilocano. I felt so close to her in an instant. I started calling her Bea unnie. She was my commander. ;P She told me the things that I needed to work on. We shared ideas, we had fun on the forum, we chatted.. When a local channel started airing Boys Over Flowers, the forum was at its peak. So many people visited it and the threads were oozing with conversations. To cut it short, hyper were the fans. My stay on the forum made me know Ate Bea more. She’s good with graphics. The forum themes were made by her. They were all beautiful. When the drama ended airing, day by day, there were less visitors. We can’t blame the people. When things get blunt, they are left hanging. So, the forum was dead. There were still visitors, but not enough to keep the forum alive as before. But this happening didn’t end my friendship with Ate Bea.
Facebook was readily available. I don’t know who added who. But our friendship continued on Facebook. We didn’t communicate everyday.. She was busy with school and I was.. trying to be busy with school. ^^, At times, we liked each other’s status, photos, links and notes; But we didn’t talk that much. Still, the eagerness for us to meet one day didn’t change. Summer of 2010, she told me she and her family will be going to Ilocos. I was so giddy I died! LOL. But they didn’t push through.. Maybe because of some busy schedule? Yeah, I thought I was going to meet her already. Maybe one day, I thought. But just last week, she told me they are going to Ilocos for real! =)) I wasn’t that certain if we could meet in Vigan since our schedules might not coincide with each other. When she was already in Vigan, she texted me that she was somewhere in those stalls. I was at home, and didn’t even have load to reply to her. Of course I wasn’t able to meet her. On Friday, I replied to her. She texted me saying, she already went at the Belltower. Then she asked me if I was near the metro. I said, Yes and I am just a few steps away from the arc. Coincidentally, she just happened to stay at a burger machine near the arc earlier that day. I wasn’t able to meet her again. Yesterday, I tagged along with my sister and cousin to Vigan. We were looking for great finds when Ate Bea texted me saying, she was on her way to Vigan. Dun dun dun dun I kept turning my head left to right just so I can spot her. My sister then took me and my cousin in front of the GSP building and met with my niece, cousin, and her boyfriend. We dined outside Tummy Talk. While we were waiting for our food, I was also waiting for Ate Bea to just flash in front of me. XDD I thought I’ll never see her that day. I was waiting for her reply… I texted her saying, I was along Calle Crisologo and then she replied, she was about to enter Calle Crisologo. Then I saw her. Woooh! But the time I saw her, I was too shy and didn’t have the courage to call for her. I was in panic mode. Yes, I wanted to meet her so much but, you know how it’s like when you meet an online friend or whatsoever for the first time. I told her, I already saw her. She asked me where was I. I asked her to turn around, then BOOM. We waved our hands to each other. I thought that was it.
I didn’t have the courage to approach her. I WAS TOO SHY, and she was with her family. Then, she approached me. I believe she asked me if I was really Michelle. I said yes, but the question wasn’t really clear on my part. But I just said yes. :DD I introduced her to my companions. Then, I moved away from my sit to stand next to her. We asked my companions to take a photo of us together. YAAAY! She is the very first online fangirl friend that I met. I was so happy I met her! I wanted to hug her, really, but I kept it cool. But I was so happy deep inside. She gave me pictures of Yonghwa, SS501, Minzy and CL. She felt sorry she gave me random stuffs, but hey, I was even sorry for myself for not having bought her anything. I really wanted to give her something that time but I didn’t bring money, so… yeah. While we were talking she kept on telling her mom and dad that she’s with a friend. That made my heart melt. She introduced me to her family, not as a fangirl, but as a friend. Really, I was so happy my heart swelled. We didn’t have time to have a long talk but yeah, meeting her is and still is awesome! She’s the first. Never will I forget such encounter.